That statement is far away from who I am now.
Around 1995, I began to have serious doubts about my faith. The quick and dirty statement about faith is that you have to have faith to have faith. I can't live like that. I need to ground my faith in something. I need to have something concrete that I can stick my faith against.
For a few years, until the fall of 1997, I played out the part of a card carrying Christian. I still went to church on Sundays, but I did not practice that faith at home. I had no more faith.
I had lost Jesus. I had lost faith. And neither one of them are hiding behind the couch.
**insert the small print here: this blog entry has nothing to do with Sean's spiritual travel. Sean has come to his own conclusions about Christianity that in no way has been influenced by my choices**
**insert even smaller print here: these are my opinions. I do not re-read my blog posts once they have been written. In a way the posts where I purge and get junk off of my chest are like vomit. I don't look at my vomit after I have spewed it. I just flush. This post is similar. Therefore, if this post comes across crass or rude or...or... OR! It is not intentional. I do not edit my work and I will not refine how it is written, even though it may sound offensive.**
I had lost faith.
Faith, like I have heard so many Christians say, is just that: faith. Believe or don't believe. That isn't me. My mind doesn't work that way.
A Christian as well can not tell me to turn to the bible for the answer. I don't believe the bible. As a matter of fact, I never did. I think that is one of the hardest parts of my studies when I was in Bible College. I remember sitting in class feeling very dumb-founded that there were people out there - intelligent people - who actually believed that some dude named Abram lived until he was 175 years old. Even more-so, this old man got his wife pregnant when she was 90 years old!
Even if during the time of the pentateuch the Babylonians followed the Ethiopian calendar, Abraham was still older than the median age span for that era. Even with all of the science and medical advancements in the new millennium, 175 is not a "normal" age for a person to reach.
Ok, I digressed. This post is going to be full of digressions... and perhaps a spice of bitterness, which maybe 90% of is not intentional, but 10% of it is.. (read small print disclaimers)
So, why do I have no faith, no bible and no belief in Christ?
That is a long answer. Some people will identify with my answer, others, who are perhaps the full blown card carrying christian, will not understand my answers. Those people will remind me of the old me: the one who was trying so hard to have faith without faith and who was believing for the sake of believing, without investigating.
My answer can be brought to you, oh faithful reader (for I am sure it is just my cousins who now read this blog...Martijn - I haven't forgotten about your airplane request, I am having trouble with the site) in a series of blog posts.
Not in order of how they appear:
- midrash - what is it and why in my very humble opinion has the new testament been interpreted incorrectly (hah! a person who dropped out of bible college after 2 years is going to refute the learned's - note sarcasm - this is just my opinion from my minute amount of reading that I have done on the subject)
- the church and how it threw my failings into my face and made me feel like I needed to be an addict to the altar call
- the people of the church: why do they think they have all the love in the world?
- what my opinion is of Jesus and the bible
yah, and there might be sub points in between these and most likely there will be ranting and ravings and ramblings that will make no sense to anyone but to me. But, who the fuck cares? I need to get this out there - written down, for it is the only way that I can burn the friggin' couch, just in case Jesus decides to try and hide behind there again.
More to follow.
And now I must rinse.
CG
7 comments:
Glad you have not forsaken me ;-)
Asked Tara to say hi to you because you are almost unreachable from over here... sob sob.
Let your vomit go! It will do you good.
For the interested reader: to my opinion a lot of the people that undoubtly believe in the love of God and/or the love of Jesus forget that they themselves have to make the difference. it is to easy to say I believe in God or Jesus and he loves me so everything will be fine.
God is not there to be loved. God (or Allah for that matter) wants you to act. Jesus and Mohammed asked their followers to act. To behave. To be human to other humans. To treat all things with respect. To be humble. Faith is not about believing that all that's written in the Bible (or Koran) is the only truth and that God will save you in the end just because you believe. That is just merely an excuse to live the live you want and would be far to easy. God doesn't like lazy people.
The goal is to become your own God. To act like God. To be able to do good like God. To forgive like God. To see and accept other peoples thoughts and opinions. To fight evil. And that's hard. It is so hard that a lot of people take the easy road. And that is sad.
I stumbled on this through some random meanderings on Blogspot, and I have to say: Thank you for posting such an honest and heart-felt post.
I've never been a "card carrier", but my wife of 12+ years is -- and has been since being a very young girl.
Our kids are quite devoted in their personal faith, which I find both comforting and a little alarming. But I chalk it up to "exposure", and I hope (pray? :-) that they will have the moral courage to ask the hard questions like you have.
I am not a card-carrier, but I have attended church regularly for the past 15 years (since meeting my bride). Though nothing has ever made me accept the notion of a corporeal resurrection of Jesus, because I don't need a risen Jesus to see the wisdom in his 'one command' to the Apostles: "Love one another, as I have loved you." [John 15:12]
As Martijn has commented above, the only important thing is how you choose to live your life.
I could go on (and on and on ...) but I will close with this: If you have the grace to love others, that's really what religion (ANY religion) is all about. And that is what is most important in life.
Well you know that I am a card carry-ier. But you know that I love you (anyway) I don't want to insert that anyway ... it makes it sound like there is something wrong with you when I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I wish many things for you... lots of which is the truest form of happiness. I don't believe that you've ever questioned my intellect. I believe that you and I have an understanding.
We all do things to get us through this life. I am intentionally trying very hard to NOT be - like evangelical - but encouraging of you. Did I?
Coffee
Lately it occurs to me quite often that a lot of religious people everywhere in the world seem to have forgotten what believing is all about: loving, caring, compassion, kindness, generosity etc. Now that was the real word what was spread by Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha. Instead all kinds of relious people slaughter eachother all over the world. That can't have been the intention, ever, I think.
Coffee: i love yah long time! ;-)
U2 Whew! and boy March Hare hit the nail on the head. (thought I'd throw that one in there)
I'm going to go with "Faith without works is dead". We are all responsible for our own actions and what we say and do to and with the least of us, affects all of us. Sounds like platitudes, yes, but I can only do what I can do and in an odd sort of way, thats the bottom line of this, I've got to do my part and leave the rest - THAT, I suppose is where "faith" comes in.
Good post CanGal ... certainly got me thinking!
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