That statement is far away from who I am now.
Around 1995, I began to have serious doubts about my faith. The quick and dirty statement about faith is that you have to have faith to have faith. I can't live like that. I need to ground my faith in something. I need to have something concrete that I can stick my faith against.
For a few years, until the fall of 1997, I played out the part of a card carrying Christian. I still went to church on Sundays, but I did not practice that faith at home. I had no more faith.
I had lost Jesus. I had lost faith. And neither one of them are hiding behind the couch.
**insert the small print here: this blog entry has nothing to do with Sean's spiritual travel. Sean has come to his own conclusions about Christianity that in no way has been influenced by my choices**
**insert even smaller print here: these are my opinions. I do not re-read my blog posts once they have been written. In a way the posts where I purge and get junk off of my chest are like vomit. I don't look at my vomit after I have spewed it. I just flush. This post is similar. Therefore, if this post comes across crass or rude or...or... OR! It is not intentional. I do not edit my work and I will not refine how it is written, even though it may sound offensive.**
I had lost faith.
Faith, like I have heard so many Christians say, is just that: faith. Believe or don't believe. That isn't me. My mind doesn't work that way.
A Christian as well can not tell me to turn to the bible for the answer. I don't believe the bible. As a matter of fact, I never did. I think that is one of the hardest parts of my studies when I was in Bible College. I remember sitting in class feeling very dumb-founded that there were people out there - intelligent people - who actually believed that some dude named Abram lived until he was 175 years old. Even more-so, this old man got his wife pregnant when she was 90 years old!
Even if during the time of the pentateuch the Babylonians followed the Ethiopian calendar, Abraham was still older than the median age span for that era. Even with all of the science and medical advancements in the new millennium, 175 is not a "normal" age for a person to reach.
Ok, I digressed. This post is going to be full of digressions... and perhaps a spice of bitterness, which maybe 90% of is not intentional, but 10% of it is.. (read small print disclaimers)
So, why do I have no faith, no bible and no belief in Christ?
That is a long answer. Some people will identify with my answer, others, who are perhaps the full blown card carrying christian, will not understand my answers. Those people will remind me of the old me: the one who was trying so hard to have faith without faith and who was believing for the sake of believing, without investigating.
My answer can be brought to you, oh faithful reader (for I am sure it is just my cousins who now read this blog...Martijn - I haven't forgotten about your airplane request, I am having trouble with the site) in a series of blog posts.
Not in order of how they appear:
- midrash - what is it and why in my very humble opinion has the new testament been interpreted incorrectly (hah! a person who dropped out of bible college after 2 years is going to refute the learned's - note sarcasm - this is just my opinion from my minute amount of reading that I have done on the subject)
- the church and how it threw my failings into my face and made me feel like I needed to be an addict to the altar call
- the people of the church: why do they think they have all the love in the world?
- what my opinion is of Jesus and the bible
yah, and there might be sub points in between these and most likely there will be ranting and ravings and ramblings that will make no sense to anyone but to me. But, who the fuck cares? I need to get this out there - written down, for it is the only way that I can burn the friggin' couch, just in case Jesus decides to try and hide behind there again.
More to follow.
And now I must rinse.
CG
