Good Memories

Not all of my memories about my tenure in the realm of Christianity are horrific. I made some good friends while attending church and Bible College. The real friends still talk/email me despite the fact that I am no longer a Christian. The "fake" friends who (surprise surprise) were the most "holy" out of the group of Christians dropped me like a hot potatoe when I stopped attending church.

Here are a few good memories from my attendance at bible college:

The artist of the drawings is Dave. Dave used to make me laugh all the time. He would do these zany drawings while in class - it is too bad that I only kept 2 of his drawings...

More about my story to follow... I have just been pretty busy to do a "serious" post!

Prior to attending bible college, I was the typical Christian who did not study the bible on my own.  Sure,  I read passages before I slept or during bible study, but I never took the time out to read and understand completely this book which my faith and my life was founded upon.

Once I was in bible college, I started studying the bible in depth for my studies and my own personal gain.  That was where I began questioning things.  I found so many contradictions and confusing statements.  This further study of the bible did not help my faith, rather it made my faith falter.

I began reading other books that are not of the Christian faith.  Books written by religious studies experts who explained their view on Christianity.

How can I understand my own belief system if I didn't understand fully and entirely what I believed in?  A quick 20 minute course in apologetics (I say 20 minutes, when in actual fact it was a full semester course.  What I mean by this statement is that we touched so very briefly on every subject of secular teachings that the college did not agree with, so it felt like a 20 minute course) was not going to get me winning an argument against a person who has their PhD in Astronomy.

Through my studies of the origin and the meanings of the bible, I discovered the incontinence of the biblical word.

I guess what I am saying is that my decision to leave the church was not hastily made.  My decision to enter a church and become a christian was made in the excitement of belonging to a group of people who accepted me and made me feel safe.  Leaving the church was a big step for me.  I was leaving the confines of a place where I once felt safe, where I once felt like I knew everything and had it all figured out.  My exit of the church was the exact opposite: it was not done as a quick arc reflex reaction.  It was done logically and with a lot of misgivings.

Losing one's faith leaves one hollow.  Leaving one's friends and deciding to start afresh is a lonely step.  However, I knew I had to do this, for I could no longer attend an establishment that to me was not the truth.

I am just thankful that through his own path of self-awareness, Sean had also decided to leave the church.  I do not know what I would have done had Sean decided to stay in the church.  (please note, I did not sway Sean to leave the church, he came to his own conclusions and his own reasons as to why he left the church)

What books did I study and what conclusions did I come to about Christianity?

That is another blog post.  Now it is time for me to have my first cup of coffee and go enjoy the day with Sean.

CG

XTC

This is not a post that further explains why I left Christianity.  Rather, it is the lyrics to one of my favourite XTC songs, "Dear God".  This song sums up how I feel - more importantly the line that says, "I can't believe in you" 

Dear God by XTC.

Words by Andy Partridge. Music by Andy Partridge and Colin Moulding. © 1986 Virgin Records Ltd.

Dear God, hope you got the letter and 
I pray you can make it better down here 
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer 
But all the people that you made in your image 
See them starving on their feet 
'Cause they don't get enough to eat from God 
I can't believe in you

Dear God, sorry to disturb you but 
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear 
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears 
And all the people that you made in your image 
See them fighting in the street 
'Cause they can't make opinions meet about God 
I can't believe in you

Did you make disease and the diamond blue? 
Did you make mankind after we made you? 
And the devil too!

Dear God, don't know if you noticed but 
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book 
And us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look 
And all the people that you made in your image 
Still believing that junk is true 
Well I know it ain't, and so do you, dear God 
I can't believe in 
I don't believe in

I won't believe in heaven and hell 
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well 
No pearly gates, no thorny crown 
You're always letting us humans down 
The wars you bring, the babes you drown 
Those lost at sea and never found 
And it's the same the whole world 'round 
The hurt I see helps to compound 
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost 
Is just somebody's unholy hoax 
And if you're up there you'd perceive 
That my heart's here upon my sleeve 
If there's one thing I don't believe in 
It's you 
Dear God.

Why I Turned in my Membership Card

During the early to mid/late 1990's, I was a card carrying extreme Christian.  I was a bible thumping, soul wrenching, altar seeking born again believe in Christ kind of Christian.

That statement is far away from who I am now. 

Around 1995, I began to have serious doubts about my faith.  The quick and dirty statement about faith is that you have to have faith to have faith.  I can't live like that.  I need to ground my faith in something.  I need to have something concrete that I can stick my faith against.  

For a few years, until the fall of 1997, I played out the part of a card carrying Christian.  I still went to church on Sundays, but I did not practice that faith at home.  I had no more faith.

I had lost Jesus.  I had lost faith.  And neither one of them are hiding behind the couch.

**insert the small print here:  this blog entry has nothing to do with Sean's spiritual travel.  Sean has come to his own conclusions about Christianity that in no way has been influenced by my choices**

**insert even smaller print here:  these are my opinions.   I do not re-read my blog posts once they have been written.  In a way the posts where I purge and get junk off of my chest are like vomit.  I don't look at my vomit after I have spewed it.  I just flush.  This post is similar.  Therefore, if this post comes across crass or rude or...or... OR!  It is not intentional.  I do not edit my work and I will not refine how it is written, even though it may sound offensive.**

I had lost faith.

Faith, like I have heard so many Christians say, is just that:  faith.  Believe or don't believe.  That isn't me.  My mind doesn't work that way.  

A Christian as well can not tell me to turn to the bible for the answer.  I don't believe the bible. As a matter of fact, I never did.  I think that is one of the hardest parts of my studies when I was in Bible College.  I remember sitting in class feeling very dumb-founded that there were people out there - intelligent people - who actually believed that some dude named Abram lived until he was 175 years old.  Even more-so, this old man got his wife pregnant when she was 90 years old! 

Even if during the time of the pentateuch the Babylonians followed the Ethiopian calendar, Abraham was still older than the median age span for that era.  Even with all of the science and medical advancements in the new millennium, 175 is not a "normal" age for a person to reach.

Ok, I digressed.  This post is going to be full of digressions... and perhaps a spice of bitterness, which maybe 90% of is not intentional, but 10% of it is.. (read small print disclaimers)

So, why do I have no faith, no bible and no belief in Christ?

That is a long answer.  Some people will identify with my answer, others, who are perhaps the full blown card carrying christian, will not understand my answers.  Those people will remind me of the old me:  the one who was trying so hard to have faith without faith and who was believing for the sake of believing, without investigating.

My answer can be brought to you, oh faithful reader (for I am sure it is just my cousins who now read this blog...Martijn - I haven't forgotten about your airplane request, I am having trouble with the site) in a series of blog posts.

Not in order of how they appear:

1. midrash - what is it and why in my very humble opinion has the new testament been interpreted incorrectly  (hah!  a person who dropped out of bible college after 2 years is going to refute the learned's - note sarcasm - this is just my opinion from my minute amount of reading that I have done on the subject)
2. the church and how it threw my failings into my face and made me feel like I needed to be an addict to the altar call
3. the people of the church:  why do they think they have all the love in the world?
4. what my opinion is of Jesus and the bible

yah, and there might be sub points in between these and most likely there will be ranting and ravings and ramblings that will make no sense to anyone but to me.  But, who the fuck cares?  I need to get this out there - written down, for it is the only way that I can burn the friggin' couch, just in case Jesus decides to try and hide behind there again.

More to follow.

And now I must rinse.

CG